Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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