thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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