Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize