her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
