I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
