ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
