I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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