The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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