I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
