My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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