just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
‎"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
