i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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