Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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