Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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