I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
i am craving dick and cupcakes
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
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