i just sent this text using only my big toe
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
