So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
