We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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