I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
