K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
