I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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