i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
