What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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