My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
