dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
