the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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