hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
