Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
