he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
