I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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