Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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