I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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