I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
