Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
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