??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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