they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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