Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
