Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
