Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
