Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
