how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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