I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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