fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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