yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
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