Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
