Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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