i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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