I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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