ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
