Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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