Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Why is your signature on my underwear?
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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