get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
