textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
