Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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