I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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