oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
