im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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