Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Maybe he injected his testicle?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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