Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
