God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I just forgot I was standing up.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Randomize
