Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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