It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
where am i from again
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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