How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
