Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
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