I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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