honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Randomize
