is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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