I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize