can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
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